Why We Don’t Have A Riot Fest Lineup

All spring I’ve been tempted by the devil for dozens of small festivals that would also include road trips. Real enticing. Against all odds, and for no real reason, I’ve stayed loyal to Riot Fest. But here we are, almost in May, with no line up. It’s unacceptable behavior you’d expect from a regular corporation. I though Riot Fest was different. I thought they cared. But obviously something went wrong. Here are my top hypothesis:

They spilled craft beer on the master copy of the line up and they’re awkwardly calling bands to see if they booked them.

They’re perfecting re-animation jutsu to bring back Sid Vicious for a Sex Pistols reunion.

They actually only are interested in helping shelter animals (not the worst scenario).

They can’t figure out which mumble rapper to bring into a headliner (maybe the worst scenario).

They have a shortage of available porta potties in the state (actual worst case scenario).

Modelo and Corona are trying to get in as beer vendors.

All the carnies in the state are on strike.

They (like me) are waiting on the new Violent Soho album.

They realized that Riot Fest has lost its edge and they’re searching the forest preserves trying to find it.

Which ever one of my, probably right, theories hits, please credit me with predicting the future. If by some terrible fortune the line up is released right after this post, just forget it ever happened.

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